But this is what you wanted
by Lady Lacie Robin
Summary: It has been his dream since he was four years to be here today, to get accepted and learn how to become the best hero in the world, even better than All Might. But... But he doesn't want it anymore.
1. Chapter 1

English is not my first language. My apologies for any mistakes.

* * *

 **...But this is what you wanted.**

* * *

 _Ah, I really made it. Didn't I?_

He was standing at the doors of the most prestigious high school for those who want to become heroes: U.A. High School. The number one ranked high school for heroics and is considered the top Hero Academy in Japan.

It has been his dream since he was four years to be here today, to get accepted and learn how to be the best hero in the world, even better than All Might.

But...

 _But..._

And it's a big but here.

"Oh! I remember you!" he heard a sweet and annoying voice behind him. He turned around and saw the round face girl with a shiny smile on her face. A smile so similar to... "You are the one who defeated the Zero Point robot, right?"

Oh crap. He really incinerated that robot back then, didn't he?

"And you the girl who got stuck between rocks"

 _You promise to change this mouth of yours._

Close enough.

The girl's cheeks turned even pinker with some kind of embarrassment and then laughed so hard that some students looked at their direction.

"Right" was all that she was able to say "I... um... well... g-good to know that you made it, I guess"

"...Right. And you too... I guess?"

The smile returned to her face and something in his stomach got twisted by only seeing her.

"See you around, then!"

And then she left.

He knew he should start going too, the classes are about to start, but...

 _But..._

There is no turning back. He knows this. He needs to get in. He needs to be the best of all the class, the best student this school ever had. He needs to be the best hero the world ever had, even better than All Might.

Better.

The best.

He needs to.

He doesn't have any choice.

Not when he...

...He...

Oh God, no.

Not today.

Every day but today. Not here.

C _alm yourself! You need to do this._

He has to.

 _He owes it!_

Being a hero has been his dream since he was four. A sweet childish dream that he has been so lucky enough to be able to almost accomplish it, but...

 _But..._

 _ **But he doesn't want it anymore.**_

Not like this.

Since that day he doesn't want to be a hero anymore. Because he knows that he doesn't deserve it. He knows that he can never, ever be a hero no matter what he does. No matter how many crimes he stops, no matter how many villains he defeats, no matter how many people he saves...

...Because he wasn't able to save one life.

It's because of him...

...Because of him...

 _ **...But this is what you wanted. Wasn't it?**_

He is not at the U.A. gates anymore.

He finds himself in the yard of his old middle school, following the track of that awful sound he has just heard. It was as if something was broken, something heavy. No one is around anymore because it's already late but for some reason, he returned to the school. It's not something he can explain, he just did it. Everything was quiet in comparison in the morning, it was almost creepy.

And then he heard it. It was like a 'splat' sound, very similar to the one when you step on a cockroach. Only that this one was very heavy and very loud and for some reason, it felt very wrong.

So, he decided to search for it.

 _Don't! Don't go!_

At each step he made to that direction, he felt somehow cold. His instinct was screaming at him that something was wrong. Was it a villain? A robber? A teacher having an affair with a student?

 _Wait!_

Wait.

A-are those...?

 _Stop!_

He looked around and saw nobody. But... he can hear it very clear. Those... those laments.

Oh dear― what kind of animal is making those sounds? They are terribly awful! It was as if the animal was...

 _Was..._

"Hey?"

He gasped so hard that one of his lungs hurt a little.

He's back at the gates of U.A. He's still standing at the gates of the school like an idiot.

Shit.

How long has he been here?

"Dude, are you okay? You look pale."

Red.

He sees red instead of green.

And he also sees another smile, but his smile is little and kind of nervous.

"Are you...?"

"I'm fine," he says a little rashly

"The first day, I get it," the red hair boy says with a little relief laugh "I'm nervous too. I mean... we are at U.A!"

"Aren't we?" he whispers with less enthusiasm.

The red hair boy let it go.

"Well... we should get going. Classes are about to start. It would be bad luck if we are late"

Unlike the round face girl, this red hair boy waits for him. He took a deep breath when he realized that he's not going to move without him. He presses more his backpack with his hand and started to walk very slowly.

"I'm Kirishima Eijiro," the boy says with a full smile on his face. Does everyone around here smiles like that?

He felt how Kirishima doesn't apart his gaze from him.

Oh, right. Names.

"I'm..."

"Boys!" a teacher calls a loud "You better hurry! The bell is about to ring"

"Oh shit!" Kirishima mutter and this time doesn't wait for him and started to run.

He's still taking small steps.

If the person he was about three months ago was able to see him now, he would probably kick his own ass and scream at him to stop being a pussy and better prove to everyone around here that he's the best of all of them.

But he's not the same person he was three months ago nor six months ago. Nor a year ago. Nor his whole life.

He's never going to be the same person anymore.

And he knows it.

His parents knows it.

 _ **His**_ _mother knows it._

Everyone one he has been in touch with knows it.

He stopped walking, again.

He looked at his feet and instead of white clean shoes, all he can see is red.

He flinched a little.

 _Shit_ , he thinks.

Maybe he needs therapy after all.

He finds himself again at his middle school yard. He has just found the source of the awful laments. He thinks everything and at the same time thinks nothing. He's shaking but he can't move. He can't apart his eyes from the scene and he felt bliss coming from his throat.

 _Their eyes met._

 _And he fucking_ _ **smiles**_ _at him._

 _"Why the look?"_ he manages to whisper despite his situation. It's his last breath, he knows it _"But this is what you wanted, don't you?"_

No―

Fucking no!

Of course not!

He vomits a little and he felt like shit. Because he's puking instead of helping him, instead of calling for help.

 _"Are you happy?"_

No!

He's not happy! Shit! He never wanted this!

A sob escaped from his lips. It felt real, but he doesn't know if he just did it or if it's part from his memory.

 _"... But this is what you wanted"_ he repeated with agony. The smile on his face starts to disappear and some tears fell from his eyes. Both of them are crying _"I-I... I don't..."_

 **I don't want to die.**

"My name is Aizawa Shota, I'm your homeroom teacher"

He blinked confused and found himself sitting in the classroom full of cheerful people, including the round face girl and Kirishima.

How the hell did he get in the classroom?

"Everyone put on your gym uniforms. We'll be heading out"

A girl with dark hair stood up with her hand raised "Sir, aren't we going to orientation?"

"You don't need it. When you're dressed, meet me outside"

Everyone moved.

Everyone but him and Aizawa.

"You..."

He looked up and saw the serious face on the teacher.

"Aren't you coming?"

Being a hero has been his dream since he was four.

But now...

 **Now it feels like a burden.**

"Yes," he says quietly.

"What's your name?" the teacher asks him before he leaves the room.

He stood in front of the door and looked at him again.

"Bakugou Katsuki" he answered and then he went out.

Oh.

That's the kid that found his classmate's body after jumping out of the school rooftop

No wonder why he has those dead eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

English is not my first language. My apologies for any mistakes.

* * *

 **...But this is what you wanted.**

* * *

Every story that starts with 'Once upon a time' is expected to have a happy ending despite how it began.

Once upon a time, there was a princess waiting to be rescued from the castle she was trapped.

Once upon a time, there was a prince who wanted to get married out of love.

Once upon a time, a brave hero raises victorious after a disaster strikes.

Once upon a time, he was a total jerk with all the people around him. Being classmates, teachers, elders, his family, his parents, his 'friends'...

To him.

Once upon a time...

Once upon _this_ time, he told his childhood friend to jump out of a rooftop.

 ** _And he listened to him._**

As you can start to imagine, this story doesn't have a happy ending at all. In fact, Katsuki knows that his story hasn't even started yet, and he already screw it up.

Because once upon a time, a couple of hours later after he just told his childhood friend to jump out of their middle school rooftop to see if he can get a quirk in his next life, he found him.

Midoriya Izuku.

Fourteen years old.

Cause of death: suicide.

But Katsuki knows better, and he knows the real cause of the death of Midoriya Izuku.

It wasn't the loss of blood after the falling, it wasn't the hit his head made against the pavement, it wasn't the fact that one of his lungs fell after the impact nor his broken ribs or all the fractures he got.

No.

He knows better.

Midoriya Izuku.

Fourteen years old, about to turn fifteen in a few months.

Cause of death: **him.**

Him, who bullied Izuku until (literally) his death. Him, who couldn't keep his mouth shut for once in his life, who even his 'bully friends' told him that maybe he went too far this time.

It's terrible, isn't?

Well, it's even worse living it.

He doesn't have peace with himself anymore. There isn't a moment where he can't help but feel guilty for what happened to Izuku. Every day at every hour he's always thinking about that night, about how he would give anything to just go back to that day to stop himself for saying those awful words to Izuku.

The only time where he's at peace it's when he's about to wake up. Those precious seconds where his brain hasn't woke up yet, those wonderful seconds where he's at peace and doesn't know anything and... And then, everything starts over again.

But he's just a kid, fucking hell that he's just an idiot kid. A stupid kid who told his childhood friend to kill himself without thinking the actual meaning of those words.

"Bakugou"

He looked up an saw Kirishima's brilliant smile, his eyes wide open with excitement that they were almost sparkling.

Oh, Jesus. He can't take that smile.

"Yes?" he said quietly.

"Dude, your quirk is amazing!" Kirishima said while he passes one of his arms around him "I mean, you can make explosions! That's sooo mainly!"

 _Your quirk is amazing!_

"Yeah, it's pretty cool" another smiling boy joins them. Kaminari? Yeah, he thinks that's him "I wish my quirk was as amazing as yours"

 _I can't wait to have a quirk of my own! I hope is as amazing as yours!_

Some other students also get close to them and Katsuki is starting to feel the pressure.

 _Shit. Shit. Shit._

Is this what people call a panic attack? Because he's panicking at the moment and he's thinking about that night. He's always thinking about that night.

"One would have expected from you to have an explosive personality as your quirk," a girl with pink skin said "But you are pretty chill"

 _Y' already made him cry... stop it! I won't let you!_

Katsuki hits with both of his fist his desk and everyone jumped in surprise. So far, this boy hasn't spoken with anyone unless it's really necessary, like answering Aizawa-sensei during the test of their quirks.

In the meantime, Katsuki is struggling not to tremble.

Holy shit.

This is getting worst.

The bell rang and then he took his backpack and got out of the classroom, ignoring his classmate's calls.

Oh God, this is torture.

Why is everyone so nice? He was expecting a bunch of teenagers full of themselves, like his old self and not caring about anyone besides their goal: being the best hero in the world.

But no, everyone acted so nice and kind. They...

 _They would have perfectly got along with Izuku._

He blinked confusedly when he looked at the door and then realized where he was. Is it always going to be like this? Getting lost in his own thoughts while his body moved without him even realizing where?

He sat in front of the door and let out a deep sigh.

A part of his mind was telling him to go away while the other part of him is telling him that he should stay even when he knows that he shouldn't be here and that nothing good will come out.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit and more shit.

He's only fifteen years old and he's so tired already.

"Katsuki"

He looked up and saw green hair along with green eyes. So sad and tired eyes. He stood up immediately and took a few steps back, getting away from the door.

"What are you doing here?" Midoriya Inko asked with no emotion at all.

She got thin again, like when he was in kindergarten. But he knows it's not because she decided to eat better or eat less.

It's because she probably stopped eating at all.

"You should go home," she said after taking a deep breath and not giving him a chance to speak at all, "I think I made myself clear with you and your mother that I don't want to see you again"

The once kind Midoriya Izuku was gone. There's only left one really sad lady that's only living because she has to.

And again, it's all because of him.

She opens the door of her apartment and when she was about to close it, Katsuki finally speak.

"Today was the first day"

And that's all he needed to say to stop Inko of closing the door. However, she wasn't looking at him.

"I..." Katsuki swallows hard "U.A. is..."

 _Amazing._

 _Annoying._

 _Everything I imagine._

 _Full of cheerful people._

 **Izuku would have loved it.**

"I'm going to be a hero" he declared, making himself to believe it too.

Inko turned around and Katsuki saw the most hateful glare on the women that he took a step back by instinct.

"You better"

And she closed the door.

Half an hour later, he's already at his house.

"I'm home," he said quietly.

He hears rushed steps, quick and desperate whispers and then loud sound of a door lashing.

He let out another sigh and took out his shoes.

He walked into the living room and saw his father sitting on the couch reading the newspaper.

"Ah, Katsuki" his father smiled at him forcefully "Welcome home"

Katsuki only nodded.

"How was your first day at U.A.?"

 _Amazing._

 _Annoying._

 _Full of cheerful people._

 _I don't deserve to be there._

"It was good"

His father nodded at him and then he got up and left the newspaper at the table that was in front of the couch.

"Your mother left you some dinner"

Katsuki opened his eyes with surprise and rushed to the kitchen. In the middle of the dining table was a single plate full of rice and only one tiny trout.

The dish was so sad, but Katsuki's heart jumped full of feelings and felt like he was about to cry.

"It's a start," Masaru said behind him "But at least she's making you food again"

"Why?" he asked, "Why are you not...?"

He swallowed hard, unable to finish that sentence.

"Why I'm not behaving like her?" his father let out another heavy sigh before he continues "She may be hotheaded, but your mother is actually very fragile. You broke her heart, Katsuki. And it wouldn't be fair for you nor her for me to take sides"

His father put a hand on his shoulder and Katsuki almost flinched at the contact.

"Good night, son"

His father left him alone in the kitchen. He supposed he opened the door of their bedroom because he was able to hear some sobs.

"Oh, Mitsuki" he heard his father voice.

And then, it was absolute silence.

Katsuki took the dish, removed the plastic from it and put it on the microwave.

He knows he didn't break his mother heard.

 _He broke her._

Since that day, his mother hasn't spoken to him, she hasn't looked at him, she stopped making him food, washing his clothes, cleaning his room, giving him some money...

She was pretending Katsuki wasn't around, as if he didn't exist.

 ** _As if he was the one who died._**

The food was ready and now he was sitting at the dining table alone. He looked at his food and then at the two empty chairs in front of him. What was before an annoying dinner with his noisy parents, the two of them laughing and talking to no end and bothering him with a bunch of stupid questions while they ate an almost buffet, now it ended with him eating completely alone. At least this time he didn't have to cook.

"Itadakimasu"


	3. Chapter 3

English is not my first language. My apologies for any mistakes.

* * *

 **...But this is what you wanted.**

* * *

The next day at U.A. started with Aizawa giving them the orientation since he's their homeroom teacher. During the morning, they have normal classes like English, modern literature, mathematics, just to mention some. If it wasn't for the fact that heroes are the ones giving the classes, one would assume U.A. it's just another normal school.

But the real thing started when it was the time for the afternoon class: hero basic training, and it was given by the one and only...

"I have..." most of the students started to talk excited when they heard the voice. Katsuki opened his eyes as much as he could when he saw him "... come through the door, like a normal person!"

All Might.

"It's All Might!" Kaminari said excitedly. "Incredible! He's really gonna teach us..!"

"Isn't that his silver age costume?" Sero exclaimed like a fanboy.

Katsuki can't help but think only one thing:

 _Izuku would have loved to have All Might as a teacher._

He swallowed hard. No. He's not going to have another panic attack. He promised himself he's going to be the best at U.A., he doesn't need to think in the 'what if's' or what Izuku would have loved to, even if that sounds harsh. Even when he's doing this for him.

"Before we start, I would like you to introduce yourselves, please," All Might said with that big smile of his "Name, quirk and something about you" then he pointed at Aoyama "Young man, please start!"

"Aoyama Yuga," he said while he moved his hair a little, almost like if he was sparkling "My quirk is navel laser and I like cheese!"

One by one started to introduce themselves. In another time, Katsuki would have given a damn who they are to even bother to remember their names, but now he's paying attention to all of them. Names. Quirks. Something about them. All of these people are going to be around him for the next three years and he's not going to repeat the same mistake again.

He would not stand it again.

After almost 10 minutes, it was his turn.

"Bakugou Katsuki," he says emotionless "My quirk is explosion and I...I..."

 _I made my childhood friend jump from a rooftop._

"Thank you, young Bakugou!" All Might said while nodding at him.

The fuck?

Does he know about the incident?

All Might nodded at him and said "The next one, please"

Of fucking course.

Bakugou sat and the person behind him stood up.

"My name is Shinso Hitoshi, my quirk..."

He stopped paying attention because he's hearing a distant childish voice calling for him, telling him to go and play and have some fun.

Crap, not again.

 _All Might!_

 _I want to save lives like him!_

Shit.

Once everyone finished, All Might clapped his hands.

"Hero training basics, the class that'll put you through all sorts of special training to mold you into heroes!" All Might said with that hero voice of him. "No time to dally. Today's activity is this! Battle training!"

Everyone shouted excited and Katsuki remains silent, still haunted by his own thoughts. In another time, he would have loved to hear that, to have an opportunity to show off.

In another time, maybe even Izuku would be the one sitting behind him.

In another time, he wouldn't have been an asshole.

In another time...

In another time, maybe Izuku would have been alive.

"Young Bakugou" he looked up and saw everyone up to the wall taking out something according to the number of their seat (Did that emerge from the wall?)

All Might was already in front of him and handle him a container

"Your costume"

"Oh," he said while he took it.

All Might is looking at him and Katsuki turned his head. He can't stand it. He can't stand looking at All Might because...

... Because he made him think about Izuku.

It feels like All Might took the message because he turned around.

"After you change, come out in raking order to ground beta!"

"Yes, sir!" everyone answer.

Everyone changed, Katsuki was the last one to get ready, and then they went out.

"Looking good is very important. Look alive now! Because from today on... You are all heroes!"

 _Heroes._

 _I want to be a hero like All Might!_

 _All Might is the best!_

Fucking stop it, please.

"Sensei!" Katsuki returned to reality one more time and found himself at the line with the rest of the students, more precise, at the right side of Iida, who was the one speaking. "This appears to be the same field we used in the entrance exam. Will we once again be performing cityscape maneuvers?"

"No. You'll be moving on to step two!" All Might answered "Indoor anti-personnel battle training!"

Most of the students gasped.

"Villain battles are most commonly seen outdoors but, statistically, the most heinous villains are more likely to appear indoors"

All Might continued to explain and Katsuki was trying to focus so hard.

Crap, he's getting worst.

He needs to focus.

C'mon brain, don't start with bullshit.

He needs to improve.

He needs to...

He owes it!

"You'll now be split into villain teams and hero teams, and face off in two-on-two indoor battles!" All Might continued

Everyone had so many questions

"What determines victory?" Yaoyorozu ask

"No basic training?" Asui continued

"Are you threatening to expel someone, like Aizawa-sensei did?" round face -Uraraka- asked this time.

Good. It seems like he really remembers their names.

In the end, the heroes need to either capture the villains or secure the nuclear weapon. It sounds easy. There shouldn't be much problem.

He can do this.

He...

He's doomed.

He's making team with Iida and they are team D, which is fine but...

But he's the villain.

 _Heroes are so cool!_

 _I want to be a hero!_

 _You can't do this, I won't forgive you!_

Voices. Again. He's hearing voices, but this time it's not only Izuku's voice.

 _How could you do this, Katsuki?! What were you thinking!?_

Mom...

 _You better become the best hero, Katsuki._

Hatred in Inko's eyes.

 _Or else, you will be in my eyes a villain, even when Izuku never thought that... and look how this ended._

I'm sorry...

"For what?"

He blinked and saw Iida's confused expression.

"Don't worry Bakugou! You have nothing to apologize for, it also pains me being a villain"

Crap. He said it aloud, didn't he?

Now... where the fuck is he? How did he get into the false weapon? Fuck, he really needs to start focusing more.

"Now, we are against Uraraka and Shinso, any ideas?"

Katsuki went silence.

"It would be better if I'm the one to go out while you guard the weapon" Katsuki suggests "Your quirk it's not really suitable for this kind of environments, besides, it would be better if you move easier the weapon with your speed. And round face―uh, Uraraka doesn't have anything to float either, so she doesn't have much to work with."

"Good idea Bakugou! You are really good with the analysis" why does Iida move his hands like that? "And Shinso―"

"Whatever, better get going"

Katsuki was gone before Iida finished.

"Oh well, he should know about Shinso's quirk by now"

Some minutes later, he lost track of Uraraka and he's now alone with Shinso. The guy looks worst than him, with those big eye bags and his messy hair.

"What?" Shinso say with some annoying voice "You think you are so cool because of your quirk, right? That costume of yours with those big gauntlets, who do you want to impress, huh?"

The fuck is he talking about?

Wait.

What was his quirk again?

Ah shit, he stopped listening after it was his turn. He's the one that sits behind him. Is he wearing the P.E. uniform? It would have been great if he was wearing his costume so maybe that way he can guess what his quirk is about. He's not wearing something extra either.

Shit.

"What? Cat got your tongue?"

"What are y―"

Huh?

Hold on a second.

What...?

He... he can't move.

Shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

He can't move. He can't talk either!

What the―?

What the fuck is going on?!

 _Your quirk is so cool [...] Hope I can get mine soon!_

 _Did you hear?_

 _Yes, yes!_

 _[...] doesn't have a quirk!_

 _Eh?!_

 _Right! He's quirkless!_

 _Sucks to be him!_

Fuck.

He's trapped with only his thoughts.

"This is my quirk" Shinso explains looking very satisfied with himself "Brainwashing. I can mind control people who verbally respond to me. I can make you do whatever I want, for example, jump!"

And Katsuki started to jump just like he said.

Good, at least he's making him do something. That way he can focus his thoughts on how to get his body control back instead of being only focused on his twisted mind.

"Dance like one of those boy bands!"

Fucking Shinso. Of all the things he fucking― It's okay, still is better than doing nothing. He can even hear the laughs of his classmates thru the earpiece. Oh God, he's probably looking ridiculous right now. He doesn't even know how to dance.

"Now..."

Katsuki was so focused that he didn't saw the Cheshire smile in Shinso face.

" **Jump out of the building** "

Katsuki body stopped dancing.

Slowly, he turned around and started walking to the nearest window of the building.

 _Jump out of the building..._

 _Jump out of..._

 ** _Jump..._**

 _Why don't you jump from the rooftop and pray to get a quirk in your next life?_

 _Why don't you jump from the rooftop..._

 _Why don't you jump..._

 _Jump..._

 _Jump..._

No.

No. No. No. No.

Shit, he's going to get crazy. His head is spinning, his thoughts are not leaving him alone. He's now used to his body to move on his own and not realizing to where, but now his mind is screaming at him and making a mess that he long forgot about the fact his body is being controlled.

Someone―please someone make it stop!

 _But this is what you wanted..._

No―fucking no! This is not what he wanted.

 _Why the long face?_

You fucking kill yourself!

 _I-I..._

Oh God― I'm sorry.

 _I don't want to die..._

 _I don't want to..._

 _I don't..._

Die.

Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.

 ** _FUCKING DIE!_**

"Young Shinso! Release him right now!"

"What a―"

Shinso let him go when he was only at one step from the window.

Katsuki gasped for air and his entire body was shaking. He made three steps back and fell on his butt and started to puke. He continued gasping for air and his lungs hurt like hell and his head continued to spin and...

And then, instead of seeing puke, he saw red.

He's seeing Izuku's body laying there, with his eyes losing their light at every second. He sees Izuku looking at him and then he smiled regarding his pain.

 ** _But this is what you wanted._**

Are those words going to haunt him forever?

God, he's a fucking mess.

Such a hero he's going to be.

He can hear distant voices calling for him, but, as always, he's only focusing on one.

 _I don't want to die._

 _Why the long face?_

 _But this is what you wanted._

 _Knock it off._

 _Need help? Can you stand?_

 _I don't want to die._

 _I want to be a hero like All Might!_

 _Quirks are so cool, doncha think [...]?_

 _I hope I get my quirk soon!_

 _Stop being so mean or I would never forgive you!_

 _I don't want to die._

 _I don't want to die._

 _I don't want to die._

 **[Kacchan.]**


	4. Chapter 4

English is not my first language. My apologies for any mistakes.

* * *

 **...But this is what you wanted.**

* * *

They grew up in the same neighborhood. They were childhood friends.

Actually, you would have never thought of them as friends. Mostly because of the way he treated him.

Izuku was the shy type who could do nothing without tripping on his own feet, he became the mock of all the kids in their little gang for his mumbling and weakness. He wasn't full of confidence and tended to cry about everything.

He despised him for that.

Still, he let Izuku hang around with him. He wasn't the best friend, actually, but Izuku was also still there with him.

"Y'know, Izuku can be read as [...]" he said with a sassy smile.

The kids around them started to laugh, and that gave him more power.

"And D[...] means someone who can't do anything!" he continued while walking in front of all of them, leading them.

"Knock it off" Izuku whispered kind of ashamed.

Even though he always gave him shit as he trailed, Izuku never answered back.

Izuku never yelled at them.

Izuku never accused them.

Izuku would still tag along behind him.

 _Why can't you fucking understand?_

People are not born equal.

Both of them realized that about the society they live on. However, Katsuki realized this slightly different as Izuku did because he was superior.

Because when his quirk manifested... he started to reject him.

The cursed age of four years, where kids start to manifest their quirks it's the moment when they either are blessed with powers or not. It's the moment where the society decides if you are worth or not.

"Your quirk's so cool, Kacchan" Izuku told him one while they were walking around the park "I hope I get mine soon"

"Ha!" he laughed. "Whatever you get, no way it'll beat mine"

Because he was special.

Because his quirk is special, everyone says it, so it must be true.

A few months later, the truth was found.

"Did you hear?" a kid at the kindergartner say "De[...] doesn't have a quirk!"

"Eh?"

"Right. He's quirkless!"

"Sucks to be him"

There he was.

A sad and shocked Izuku sitting alone in the middle of the yard, all hopeless but still smiling that made people around him sad, because just by looking at him you could tell he was crushed. His dream of being a hero was no more.

See? Now you understand why at the age of four it was easy to know not all people are born equal.

So... quirkless, uh?

He had an amazing quirk while Izuku got none. It was the moment where he finally figured it out.

It all makes sense.

He's awesome.

He's better than everyone else.

Oh, right.

Izuku was quirkless.

Izuku was useless.

Izuku was never going to be a hero.

He smiled.

He's better than D[...]

He agrees with the other kid.

 **Sucks to be him.**

They were playing around the park again. Izuku became quieter after everyone discovered he's quirkless, he was now at the bottom of the line and carried that disgusting smile on his face even when he was not happy.

And then he fell.

"Katsuki fell in!" one kid exclaimed.

"Hey, you okay?" asked another

"I bet he's fine. Katsuki's so strong"

"Get back up man"

He was just fine. No big deal.

"Yeah, I'm okay!" he confirmed laughing a little.

He saw a little hand in front of him.

He saw Izuku's hand and saw his worried face.

"Need help? Can you stand?" Izuku asked him. "Hope you didn't hit your head."

That hand...

Why?

Why couldn't he just accept the hand at that moment?!

 _Why'd he have to look at him like that?!_

He's better than him!

"Enough, Kacchan! Y'already made him cry... stop it!" a little scared Izuku told him on the verge of crying. "I won't let you"

"So [...] the quirkless wonder thinks he can play hero, huh?" he told him while making an explosion with his hand.

With the help of two other kids, he beat him.

At that moment, six years old Katsuki though it was fun seeing him crying. It was fun punching him. It was fun looking at him trying to always be a hero, trying to fight him back.

Life was fun for him, and only him.

"Katsuki, you need to stop teasing Izuku!" his mother told him one time while he was watching TV. "You are going to really hurt him one day"

"Ah?!" he replied back "Shut up!"

His mother punched him and he punched back.

Ah, sweet childhood memories.

He was fourteen years old now. He's a middle school third-year senior. He's going to apply to U.A., he's going to be the only one of this crappy school to get accepted and he's going to be the greatest of all of them. He's going to surpass All Might and become the best hero this world has ever seeing.

"You're also going for U.A., aren't you, Midoriya?"

Everyone laughed but him.

"Huh?! Midoriya?!"

"No way!"

"Good grades alone can't get you into the hero program!"

Izuku said something and he used his quirk against him.

"Forget the crappy quirks. You're totally quirkless!" he told him with the most cruelty smile on his face "And you think you can rub shoulders with me?!"

 _Stop it!_

 _Don't say another word!_

 _He's going to..._

"W-wait, no, Kacchan..." Izuku said scared "I wasn't saying I could compete with you! Not at all! I-I mean...It's just... been my dream since I was little, you know? And, well... there's no harm in trying..."

No. There was no harm at all.

It was his dream after all. His sweet childhood dream that he continued to pursue despite all, despite it's 100% sure he's not going to make it.

"What can you even do?!" he told him.

This is the day.

This is the day where he's going to finally let Izuku know that it's useless for him to even try and apply to U.A. using his old bully methods.

That day, Katsuki didn't pay attention to his tired look. Of how Izuku looked after he told him to not get into U.A. after he burned his notebook with all his hero analysis.

 **It's the day where he said those words.**

"You wanna be a hero so bad?"

 _Don't!_

"I've got a time-saving idea for you"

 _Don't say it!_

"If you think you'll have a quirk in your next life..."

 _STOP!_

"... Why don't you jump from the rooftop"

Izuku turned around and looked at him with hate, sadness, distress, the worst face any person with no hopes at all could make.

But he was blind.

He didn't pay attention to the signs. He was so full of himself.

And he left the classroom with his two other pals, leaving a fourteen years old Izuku shaking and crying.

"Haven't you known him since you were kids?" one of this pals said while they walked around the city

"Yeah, you went too far today"

"It's his fault for messing with me. Seeing him so full of stupid dreams like when we were kids... just pisses me off!"

He spends the rest of the afternoon with those guys and when the twilight was at its point, he returned to the school. He couldn't tell why he just had a strange feeling. He heard a very loud, hollow sound of _'splat!'_ that left him with cold blood.

And then, he heard laments.

A few steps later, he found Midoriya Izuku laying on the floor full of his blood, his right leg was twisted in a position normal bones should not be, there was blood falling from his ears and nose and mouth. His eyes looked so, so tired and were losing their light.

He vomits.

And he heard him.

"Why the look? Why the long face?" he whispers despite his pain.

It seems that he can't talk properly because he's moving his lips but no words came out.

He continues to vomit.

"But this is what you wanted, don't you?"

 _Stop it._

"Are you happy?

 _I'm not._

"I-I don't..."

 _WAKE UP!_

He looked at him and Izuku looked him back. The both of them were crying silently and Izuku opened his mouth one more time.

 **"I don't want to die, Kacchan."**

Katsuki wakes up breathing hard and he sits on the bed so fast that he got dizzy. He looked around. It's not a hospital but this looks like an infirmary. Ah, this should be the school's infirmary.

Oh shit, he had a panic attack.

"Bakugou?"

He turned his head and saw Kirishima's relief face.

"Dude! You gave us a big scare!" he told him smiling a little, almost relief "Ah, Recovery Girl is out, but she should come back at any moment. How are you feeling?"

Katsuki looked at him and made him a sign with his hands.

"Trashcan" he manages to say.

Kirishima was confused at first, but then he looks at his pale face and stood up to gave him a trashcan.

Katsuki vomits.

Shit, at this rate people are going to think he has an eating problem. Well, he's pretty sure he puked at the building after getting back the control of his body and now he's puking again. Shit, what's he's even returning?

After he finishes, he puts the trashcan on the floor and he rests on the bed again.

"What time it is?" Katsuki asks while he closes his eyes.

"Ah, um... like six I think. You have been out for three hours"

Again, shit.

"Why are you here?"

"Well... everyone passed to take a look at you before leaving. Shinsho was so freak out man, you should have seen him. But All Might calmed him down so... yeah, you scared us"

Goodness. He needs to get a better control of himself if he wants to be a Hero...

He doesn't want it anymore, actually. But he has no other choice.

"What's a Deku?"

Katsuki opened his eyes and looks at Kirishima with his pale face and scared eyes.

"Where did you hear that name?" he question him.

"Uh..." Kirishima swallow "Y-you say that name, while you were sleeping"

Oh fuck. Now he remembers. He dreamed about it again.

Kirishima looked at him again. Bakugou is really pale and has dry lips. He has just realized the bags under his eyes and how tired his glance is. It seems that he isn't sleeping properly and he's kind of skinny too. Is he eating well? He puked two times this day, he's pretty sure he didn't eat anything at the cafeteria. Does he have an eating problem? Sleeping problem? He has a problem, that's for sure. It's only the second day at U.A., Kirishima doesn't really know him at all, he doesn't think he can ask about what his problem is. Not yet.

"I-I... I think I should go" Kirishima says while he got up. Bakugou never told him about this Deku, and looks like he has no intention of doing it "See you tomorrow?"

Katsuki looked at him and nodded.

"Whatever"

Kirishima smiles a little and gets going.

Once alone, Katsuki sighed.

The door opens again and he growled.

"What now?"

"Ah, looks like you are feeling better" a feminine voice say.

Katsuki looks around and found an old lady smiling at him.

Wait.

He knows her.

"Recovery Girl?" he says surprised

"That's me. I'm the nurse of U.A. All Might brought you here after you collapsed." she approaches him and then she gives him a kiss on his forehead. "You should feel better now"

"Kind of" he murmurs. "Sorry for the trouble"

"No need, dear. It's my job."

Katsuki gets up and started to put his shoes on when Recovery Girl speaks again.

"Dear... is your family okay?"

"What?" he asks confused

"It's just... we tried to reach your parents to inform them about your condition. A woman answered but... she only asked if you were dead"

Something inside him hurts and his stomach twists a little. No, he's not going to vomit again but... but he feels empty, and not because he hasn't eaten anything.

"When we told her you were not dead, she hung up. Was she your mother?"

Probably. She made very clear that she's not going to take care of him anymore. She's keeping her own word.

"Yes," he answers while he finishes with his shoes, trying to not let her know how much this affects him.

"Does she...?"

"Look," Katsuki say standing up "There's no need to worry about. My parents are not abusive if that's what worries you"

"They may not, but your mom didn't show up nor called back about your condition or why have you not returned to your home"

He closed his fist and bites his tongue.

Don't cry. Please, don't.

"It's fine," he says again "I deserve this"

He didn't give her the chance to say something else. He took his backpack and left the infirmary.

She's keeping her word.

She really is.


	5. Chapter 5

English is not my first language. My apologies for any mistakes.

* * *

 **...But this is what you wanted.**

* * *

 _"Why are we here?" he asked his mother._

 _Mitsuki hasn't looked at him after he confessed to her about the last words he had with Izuku. They are now at the front door of Inko's apartment. Why? He doesn't know. His mother knocked on the door and after a few seconds, someone opened it._

 _Inko has puffy eyes and looks like she hasn't stopped crying. Poor woman. She lost her husband and now her son too._

 _"Mitsuki?" Inko says with a broken voice "What are you doing here?"_

 _"Katsuki needs to tell you something. Can we come in?"_

 _Katsuki opened his eyes and looked at his mother terrified. No way... is she...?_

 _"Ah, sure. Please come in"_

 _Inko lets them in._

 _And after the door was closed, nothing was the same again between the three of them._

 _And it was all his fault._

"I'm home," he says after letting out a big sigh.

Nobody says 'welcome home' to him, so he supposes his father is out since his mother hasn't spoken with him in a while. He took out his shoes and walked to the kitchen. After puking everything he ate for the last two days, he's starving.

"Are you hurt?"

He jumped a little, surprised to hear his mother voice. He looked around and saw his mother sitting on the couch with the lights out.

"I said, are you hurt?"

"Um... no," he answers, looking at the ground. "I got in a... freak accident with a quirk. Nothing to worry about"

He had a confrontation with his mind about that day. Damn it, he needs a therapist, but he can't afford one.

His mother let out a sigh and walked away.

Katsuki swallowed and smiled a little. Recovery Girl said that she only asked if he was dead, it's good to know that despite this fucked situation, there's a part of his mother that still cares about him.

She shouldn't.

 _"What do you need to tell me?" Inko asked him._

 _Katsuki can't look at her. He can't. There's no way he's going to tell her about his last conversation with Izuku._

 _"Mom..." he whispers in hopes that she's going to let him walk away._

 _Mitsuki is still not looking at him. She's looking at Inko._

 _"Say it," his mother told him._

 _Inko blinked confusedly._

 _"What's going on here?"_

 _"I-I..." he starts to mumble. Oh God, he can't mumble in front of her."I-I... was the one who_ _-who_ _..."_

 _Katsuki wants to cry._

 _"I was the one who told him to jump from the rooftop" he whispers._

Katsuki blinks at the microwave sound. His mother left him again a dish of rice and trout, at least this time it's two trouts instead of one. He's eating alone and he hates it. His head hurts like hell. His body felt weird after being controlled by Shino's quirk. He really wants someone by his side now.

After all these years, after scaring people out of him, he needs a friend.

He finished his food and wash the dishes. He goes to his room and starts his homework.

 _Are you happy?_

No, he's not happy.

He's mad at himself. He's mad because he had everything and just after he has lost everything it's when he's realizing that.

He had good parents.

He had a good education.

He had a childhood friend that stuck with him despite everything.

And he screwed it.

There's no turning back. He doesn't want to be a hero, but he still went to U.A.

 _Katsuki felt a slap on his cheek._

 _Inko had just slapped him. The women had an immense rage on her face and tears were rolling from her eyes. Mitsuki bites his lower lip but didn't move nor didn't say anything._

 _" **YOU!** " Inko screamed "How could you...?! Why?!"_

 _And Inko fell on her knees and continued to cry._

 _"What did my Izuku ever did to you? What?! He always admired you, he always considered you as a friend. He... he always said you were going to be a great hero"_

 _Katsuki started to cry._

 _"I-I'm so sorry...I-I..."_

 _"Inko"_

 _Inko looked up and Mitsuki was in front of her. She sat on her knees and bowed._

 _"I'm sorry, Inko. There are no words for me to tell you but... please. Do whatever you think it's right"_

 _Katsuki blinked._

 _Is his mother_ _... giving him up?_

 _No way._

 _Inko looked at both of them. Oh, Katsuki knew that she wants him to pay for everything he did. She's probably going to send him to jail._

 _"Katsuki" Inko spoke with no emotion at all "You knew how much Izuku wanted to be a hero, right?"_

 _Katsuki nodded._

 _"Do you want to be a hero?"_

 _He..._

 _"Not really," he says._

 _He doesn't deserve it._

 _"Good" Inko stood up and looked at him with hate "Because you are going to be one"_

 _Katsuki and his mother blinked in surprise._

 _"What?"_

 _"I know... I knew my son. And I know that he wouldn't be happy if you go to jail, because he would have given everything to have an amazing quirk as yours and become a hero. And you are going to honor his memory"_

 _"Inko..." Mitsuki whispers._

 _"And y_ _ou better become the best hero, Katsuki. Or else, you will be in my eyes a villain, even when Izuku never thought that... and look how this ended."_

 _"Thank you!" Mitsuki cries relief "Inko, thank you!"_

 _"Don't get me wrong, both of you. I'm doing this for Izuku because if it was for me, you would rot in jail. Please get out of my house, I don't want to see neither of you again"_

Katsuki woke up at the sound of his alarm.

Another fucking day.

Another day where his mind is not going to leave him alone.

Another day he's going to be ignored by his mother.

Another day where he's going to be around cheerful people.

Another day where he can't change the past and let Izuku live.

Another day he's not the one who's dead.


	6. Chapter 6

English is not my first language. My apologies for any mistakes.

* * *

 **...But this is what you wanted.**

* * *

The news that All Might had to come to teach at U.A. shocked the whole country. Some reporters were already at the gates of the school, interviewing a few first years of class 1-A.

It was a chaos.

"Tell us what the symbol of peace looks like in front of the class?"

"How he looks?!" Uraraka smiles nervously "Um.. super muscly! Yeah!"

Another one was also talking with Iida, and Bakugou tries to pass among the reporters unrecognizable, but still, there was one woman who saw him and approached to him almost running.

"When All Might is... huh?!" the women stops talking and takes another look at him. Katsuki walks faster. _She knows_. "Aren't you the kid who found his classmate's after he...?"

Katsuki stops and turns around, giving her the worst hateful glare he has.

"Buzz off," he says and then he continued to walk.

Little Katsuki knows some of his classmates saw him.

When Katsuki opens the door, he can feel his classmates glaring at him. Everyone stopped doing whatever they were doing and suddenly went silent. He let out a big sigh and walked to his seat, some of the girl's gossips to each other and two or three guys gulped at seeing him passing by near them.

Shit.

How bad did he look yesterday? He knows he puked a lot but...

But he doesn't remember exactly what happened after, and he didn't think about it either while he was at home. He has enough in his head. He doesn't need to worry about what his classmates think or how they see him.

"Oh, Bakugou's here! Welcome back, man!" Kirishima says with a big smile on his face, standing in front of his seat "How do you feel?"

 _Like shit._

Katsuki takes a quick look at the rest of the class and looks like Kirishima's the only acting normal towards him. Maybe he didn't look that bad yesterday, but still, it was probably a big shock to the rest seeing him having a panic attack, maybe some doesn't even know that was a panic attack at all.

"I'm fine," he says loud enough for his classmates to hear him.

He doesn't want anyone's pitting or help.

"Bakugou"

Katsuki looks up and saw Shinso's pale face. Crap, he looks worst than yesterday, his dark circles under his eyes are even more marked. Well, someone looks worst than him.

"I-I'm... sorry"

Kirishima looks at Shinso with a proud face, thinking that maybe this would fix the relationship they don't even have. He then looks at Katsuki and saw him opening his mouth and then closing it. Kirishima blinks confusedly.

Is there any problem?

Meanwhile, Katsuki mind is spinning again.

Is Shinso really...?

"Are you going to apologize to every villain after using your quirk on them?

It was Shinso's turn to blink confuse.

"What? Of course not...!"

"Then save it. I don't need your apologies, there's nothing to apologize for"

"B-but..."

"But nothing. Don't you ever apologize for using your quirk, less to a villain"

"Dude," Kirishima speaks this time "You are not a villain"

Katsuki blinks and looks at both of them.

"How can you be so sure?" he asks them with a sad tiny smile.

Aizawa entered the classroom and Shinsho and Kirishima returned to their seats.

Katsuki sighs relieved.

"Good work with yesterday's battle training," Aizawa says leaving some papers at his desk "I've looked over your grades and evaluations"

 _Fuck my life!_

"Bakugou"

Katsuki flinches a little at hearing his name. His classmates glared at him again. Shit, shit, shit! He hates being the center of attention.

"I hope you are feeling better" It's all he says.

Bakugou clicked his tongue.

"I'm fine" he whispers.

Behind him, Shinso looks at him and sigh. Yesterday was... hard to see. This is the first time he sees this reaction after using his quirk on someone. There have been some side effects, that's for sure, but nothing like this.

He was just teasing him a little. Making him jump and dance like an idiot. The idea of jumping out from the building was to buy some time while Uraraka tried to recover the weapon. It was nothing serious but...

 _"Young Shinso! Release him right now!" he heard All Might scream thru the earpiece._

 _"What a―"_

 _He let him go when Bakugou was only at one step from the window._

 _He saw how Bakugou gasped for air as if he didn't breath in all this time. He was shaking so hard that Shinsho though he was about to break into millions of pieces. He made three steps back and fell on his butt and started to puke._

 _"Bakugou!" he screamed while he ran to him._

 _Bakugou continued to shake and looks like he wasn't paying attention at him, no matter how many times he called him, Bakugou never answered him back. He was gasping and puking. God, it was hard to see. And..._

 _"I'm sorry!" Bakugou's said._

 _He was crying, his mouth was covered with vomit and one of his shakings hands was on his shoulders._

 _Shinsho couldn't apart his glare from him._

 _"I'm so, so sorry! I didn't mean this to happen!"_

 _"B-Bakugou..." Shinsho is not a person who comforts others, but God, how he wishes to know what to say at this moment._

 _" **Deku**... I..."_

 _He puked again and on him. He doesn't mind but... but Bakugou looks worst. He's so pale and all he's doing is apologizing, for what? He doesn't know. Is it normal for people to shake this way? Isn't he convulsing?_

 _"Young Shinsho! Young Bakugou!"_

 _It took All Might less than three minutes to reach them, but it felt like an eternity._

 _"Panic attack" All Might whispers._

 _This is the first time Shinsho sees one. No wonder why Bakugou didn't respond him._

 _"Is he...?"_

 _"I'm going to take him to Recovery Girl. How long has he been shaking?"_

 _"Since I release him. H-how did you know...?"_

 _"I'm good at this, kid. And sadly, all of you are going to be able to sense a panic attack. Now, if you excuse me"_

 _All Might took Bakugou and left him in the building. Some other students approach him, asking him if he was okay._

 _"Damn, that's a lot of vomit"_

 _"Shut up, Kaminari! This is serious!" Kirishima says very worriedly. "Man... what happened to him?"_

Shinsho is not the kind of person who interferes in other people's lives, it not of his business, after all, he's not here to make friends. But... but after what happen to Bakugou, he can't help but wonder, what happened to him?

His mind is probably a mess, that's for sure. There's no other explanation.

The rest of the first hour was only to pick a class president, like any other school. Iida is the class president while Yaoyorozu is the vice president.

After a minor incident in the school during lunch time with the reporters being able to pass U.A. gates, the rest of the day went by without any problem.

Until the afternoon class.

Aizawa took them to a rescue training mission in another U.A. building, where he, All Might and another here are going to supervise them.

Everything went as planned, Katsuki thinks that maybe he can do this. His mind has been at peace today, no voice annoying him and making him crazy.

He... he can do this.

"Bakugou" He looks up and sees Asui, who is at his side "I generally say what's on my mind"

"So?"

"Are you feeling okay?"

The bus is suddenly in silence.

No one dared to ask him that. They are not friends, it's only their first week. And judging by Bakugou's face, it seems that he didn't expect that question either.

"None of your business"

"Dude, but yesterday was..."Ashido speaks looking worried "...hard"

"Look, we are not friends" Katsuki declares "If I wanted to be friends with my classmates, I probably would have gone to a normal school "

"But..."

"But nothing. Just... please, leave it"

No one dared to touch the subject again.

Once they arrived at the facility everyone looked impressed, even Katsuki. The place was huge, it was amazing that such a place is even inside U.A.

"Every disaster and accident you can imagine. I built this facility myself. I call it the unforeseen simulation joint!"

"It's the space hero, Thirteen!" Kirishima says excitedly.

"He's a gentleman hero who does his best work in rescue mission!" Uraraka says jumping all happy "Ohh, I love thirteen!"

 _Heroes are so amazing!_

 _I want to be a hero!_

 _I want to save lives!_

Katsuki blinks.

"Before we start, I have one or two points," Thirteen says "As I'm sure many of you are aware, my quirk is called black hole. It can suck in and tear apart anything"

"And you've used it to save people in all sorts of disasters" Kirishima points out.

"Indeed. However, my power could easily kill" the smiles on everyone faces vanished and pay attention to what Thirteen was saying "I've no doubt there are some among you with similar abilities"

 _Stop being so mean or I would never forgive you!_

"In our super-powered society, the use of quirks is heavily restricted and monitored."

 _Your quirk is so cool, Kacchan._

 _I hope I get my quirk soon!_

 _Did you hear?_

 _Yes, yes!_

 _D[...] doesn't have a quirk!_

 _Right! He's quirkless!_

"It may seem that the system is a stable one. But we must never forget that it only takes one wrong move with an uncontrollable quirk for people to die"

 _Are you happy?_

 _But this is what you wanted._

 _I don't want to die, Kacchan._

Katsuki takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

Just when he thought that today was a good day and no voice has been bothering him, it starts all over again.

Shit.

How stupid from him to think he was going to have a day at peace.

But Thirteen is wrong.

It doesn't matter how many quirks are around the world. It doesn't matter if some quirks have a destructive nature than others. Deaths by quirks are not alone. People don't die only for quirks.

They can also die by words.

Like Izuku did.

Just when Katsuki thinks things can't get worst...

They do.


	7. Chapter 7

English is not my first language. My apologies for any mistakes.

* * *

 **...But this is what you wanted.**

* * *

Katsuki felt his body ache and his heart was beating so hard that he thought it was going to get out of his chest at any moment now. The things a USJ didn't turn out as they expected. Instead of being a normal field training like it was supposed to be, USJ turned out to be a real battlefield. With real villains that appeared out of nowhere in the middle of USJ with one goal only: kill All Might. Killing them was like an extra for them.

Class 1-A got their first taste of the world of what really means to be a hero, of how they need to act when there's a crisis that no one saw it coming nor expected to happen in the first place. What kind of idiot attacks U.A.? A school full of heroes and future heroes? Even worst, to declare the death of All Might.

Their teacher, Erased Head, went all alone to fight the villains so he could buy them some time and evacuate USJ along with Thirteen and call for help. However, they didn't expect one of the villains to come near them with a very useful quirk of creating portals to send them to random places all over USJ when he tried to attack him.

So here he is now. At the collapsed zone of USJ along with Kirishima, fighting all the villains that are coming for them and try to not to die. But he must admit it, fighting these weak villains (they are still dangerous, but the guys are really weak) got him excited. Good excited. The kind of feeling that hasn't run thru his veins for a long time ago.

"That's all of them," he says while he took a deep breath. He's getting a little bit tired.

"Great" Kirishima spoke while he cleaned his face "Now, let's hurry up and go to help the others! If we are here, I bet everyone else is also still in USJ at another random place. I'm worried about the guys who don't really have ways to attack"

Katsuki looked at Kirishima and for a moment, the saw green hair instead of red hair.

Always worrying about others than himself.

Always putting others before him.

Always thinking how to help instead of checking their own safety first.

Kirishima continued speaking and Katsuki tries hard to pay attention to him, but he can't. His mind is not leaving him alone. He's hearing whispers and thinking so many things at the same time that he's starting to get a headache.

In another time, he would probably have enjoyed this without any second thought, despite they are fighting actual villains. And maybe he would have even searched for other villains and continue to fight more.

He needs to stop thinking in all the "what if..." scenarios.

Nothing is going to change what is done.

No matter what and how many ways he thinks about it, nothing is going to change the fact that he's here now and Izuku is not. Nothing is going to change the fact that Izuku killed himself because of him.

Nothing is going to change at all.

And this is no good for him

"Bakugou?"

Katsuki blinks and he's back at the collapsed zone.

"What?" he says confused. He sees Kirishima's worried face and just nodded "Right. Find the others. I get it."

"Dude, are you okay?" Kirishima asks concerned

"Fantastic" Katsuki replies while he gets his braces "Why are you asking?"

"It's just that... I don't know man. You look kind of distant, like... you are here but not? Does that makes sense?"

Katsuki looks at him and lets out a sigh.

"I am..."

In an instant, he sees how Kirishima's expression changed from worried to more worried and scared. Katsuki felt something behind him. He turns around and took down a villain that tried to attack him from behind.

Kirishima blinks surprised but smiled relieved.

"Wow... that was impressive! Dude, your quirk is so awesome!"

 _Your quirk is so cool!_

 _I want to be a hero like All Might!_

"This is not the time of a heart-to-heart talk," Katsuki says trying to ignore the voice in his head "As you said, we need to find the others and help them. If all they are sending against us are these idiots, we should be fine"

This last villain made him realize the big and dangerous situation they are now.

They are real villains, weak or not, these people are going to try and kill them for real. This is not an exercise.

And he can't take another death. He simply can't. It's going to drive him to the madness he has been trying to contain for a whole year.

"Let's go," Kirishima says and Katsuki follows him.

Outside the collapsed zone is chaos. All USJ is chaos. They can hear distant voices and screams. Katsuki felt his whole body run cold blood and tries to find his classmates.

Are they okay?

Is somebody badly hurt?

 _I don't want to die_

C'mon! He needs to hurry!

Suddenly, some screams stop and they heard relief voices.

"I am here" he hears loud and clear.

"Look!" Kirishima point's out "It's All Might!"

Katsuki sees how All Might took a badly injured Aizawa and another three students Asui, Mineta and Shinso. Asui and Mineta looked fine but seems like Shinso received a punch in the mouth, probably from a villain that discovered how his quirk works.

The three of them took Aizawa while All Might fights a strange purple creature who doesn't seem to be affected by the attacks at all. He sees the fight and he can't help but think:

This is what it means to be a hero.

Risk your life for the sake of others no matter what.

 _Need help? Can you stand?_

 _I want to be a hero like All Might!_

 _I want to save lives like him!_

 _I don't want to die._

Ah, fuck it.

Katsuki runs before he knows it.

What the actual fuck.

This is bullshit.

After all these years, after all this time he finally understands it. He finally gets why Izuku was so annoying and how fucked he is for not understand it before.

He doesn't deserve to be a hero at all.

The same guy that split them tries to use a portal on him but Katsuki is able to hit him hard before he gets the chance and he does it while he tries hard to not to cry.

Kirishima also tries to hit the guy with the hands on the face but fails.

"Crap! Almost had him!" Kirishima says angrily

"So I heard you people are here to kill All Might," Todokori says while he freezes a leg of the creature "But scum like you could never kill the Symbol of Peace"

 _I don't want to die._

All Might was able to get free from the creature and stands between him, Kirishima and Todoroki.

"You've pinned down our way out," the strange guy with the hands says while he looks at him " Well...this is a problem"

 _I don't want to die._

"The parts you can turn into that foggy warp gate are limited" he explains in order to calm his mind. He really needs to focus if he doesn't want to die "And you're using that misty crap to hide your real body. Am I right?"

He remembers the first attack he made to the guy and his words _that was a close one_.

"I suppose if your whole body was mist and physical attacks didn't work, you'd never say 'that was a close one' "

 _I don't want to die._

Katsuki hits the guy again not only because of a reflection but also for the guy so he couldn't move.

"Don't move"

"Not only have you beaten out level, but you're all full health... a little skinny but still fine. Today's kids really are something... out league of villains should be ashamed"

He suddenly feels a creeping chill in his body.

"Nomu, take out the explosive brat. We need our escape route back"

What?

Todoroki looks surprised when the creature -Nomu- breaks their body that was trapped on his ice. Not only that, but it fucking regenerates.

It all happens in a second.

He sees the Nomu coming to him and the next second he's with Kirishima and Todoroki.

"Dude! You dodged that?!" Kirishima says impress.

"I didn't" he simply answers.

Does it felt like it, Izuku?

Does it felt like everything happen slowly but at the same time so fast that you could not do anything?

 _Why the long face?_

 _But this is what you wanted._

 _I don't want to die._

He starts to breathe hard.

No. No. No.

He can't.

He needs to get out of here first before getting a panic attack. If not, he's going to slow down everybody else.

Kirishima and Todoroki said something about helping All Might and he agrees they need to help him too, but All Might doesn't want their help and when the Nomu was going to attack them again, they see All Might in his whole glory and action.

This is what is like to be with the pros. This is what is like to be a hero.

 _Heroes are so cool!_

 _I want to be a hero!_

 _It has been my dream since I was little..._

 _There's no harm in trying._

 _I don't want to die._

"All Might'll take care if the big bads," Kirishima says while he turns to the other side "Let's go see if we can help the others"

Katsuki can't move.

His legs are not responding.

Is this how it's going to end?

Is this his punishment?

What would have Izuku done?

Would he go on and try to help All Might?

He was going to help All Might when the rest of the pro heroes arrived along with Iida.

They are safe now.

Katsuki is about to close his eyes when he thinks he sees a green hair with the rest of the villains.

He focuses again but he lost sight of the hair.

What the fuck?

An hour later, they are finally outside USJ with the police.

"Besides the one with the broken jaw, looks like everyone is unharmed," he writes something and then speaks again "We're gonna get you back to the classroom for now. This is no time to take your statements"

"What about Aizawa-sensei?" Asui ask concerned.

"Both arms were smashed to splinters..."

Katsuki flinch.

 _Legs in a position they are not supposed to be._

"His face is also fractured..."

 _Blood everywhere._

Go back.

You need to go back.

Katsuki doesn't even know how he got back to his house.

Neither of his parents asked him how was his day. Where they even informed about the incident at USJ?

He got to his bed and closed his eyes.

He sees the green hair again.

Katsuki opened his eyes and sat on his bed breathing hard.

Shit.


	8. Chapter 8

English is not my first language. My apologies for any mistakes.

* * *

 **...But this is what you wanted.**

* * *

The classes were canceled the next day and Katsuki had a really hard day.

Normally, he would spend the weekends days helping senior neighbors with some tasks and errands so he can earn some money, since his mother hasn't given him any since that day. Also, it's a good way to spend less time at home. But today is Wednesday and Katsuki didn't have an errand to do, that means he would stay today at his home.

Shit.

He hasn't been able to sleep anything. Between the thoughts of what happened yesterday and the ugly tricks his mind is playing with.

What now? What can he do now?

He has a little homework to do but it would not take more than an hour to finish. He doesn't have enough money to spend and going out everywhere else than stay here.

He could hear the heavy steps of his mother as well as whispers between her and his dad.

Oh, he's an idiot. It's Wednesday but it also means that his parents need to go and work. So, when he heard the main door closed, he let out a deep sigh and got up from the bed. Neither his mother or father asked him about yesterday, but he's sure they know about it. He knows that the school called each family and explained the situation and why they didn't have classes today. But still, it wasn't enough for them to even ask him how was he.

He walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge.

Nobody was at home but him.

Still, he can't stand being at the house all alone. It was worse than knowing that his parents are here but not talking to him at all.

He closed the fridge and walked to the bathroom and took a bath. He changed his pajamas and put the school uniform, took his backpack and got out of the house.

Anything would be better than staying at the house alone and with only his mind. He prays that there's someone at the school or he spended money on a train ticket for nothing. But to his surprise, some of his classmates were also standing in front of the gates of U.A.

"Hey, Bakugou!" Kirishima said while he greets him "You couldn't stay still either?"

Katsuki looked at him, then at Ashido, then to Kaminari, and finally to Sero.

"No" he answers with honesty.

"We already try to climb," Sero says while he points at the gate "But it has some kind of new security system and electrocuted Kaminari"

"It was fun!" Ashido exclaim while laughing "There was actual smoke coming from him"

"Hey!" Kaminari replies with a soft blush "It wasn't fun. It's a good thing that I have an electric quirk, otherwise, I would be dead"

"Nah, I don't think it would kill somebody, but maybe just left you unconscious"

Katsuki looks at them again. They seem fine as if nothing had happened yesterday. But then he noticed the eye bags under their eyes.

Ah, right.

"Hey, since we are already here, why don't we go and eat something?" Ashido proposes clapping her hands "What do you say, Bakugou?" she looked at him with a bright smile. "We can go to a cafe then to the arcade!"

"That sounds like a plan to me!" Sero agrees while nodding.

"What do you say?" Kirishima asks Bakugou.

Katsuki wants to say yes, that way he wouldn't need to go back to his house and he really needs a distraction.

"Can't" he answers instead "I didn't bring much money"

The other four students looked at each other and then nodded.

"Bro, we got your back," Kaminari says "I know you said you didn't want to make friends, but you look like you need someone to talk"

"Yeah, man. You always look so grumpy, like a kicked puppy"

"Sero! That's a horrible example!" Ashido exclaims while she hits his shoulder.

"What do you say?" Kirishima asks him again.

Katsuki feels something warm on his chest. A feeling he hasn't felt in a long time.

"Okay..." he whispers.

The group celebrate his answer and started to walk to the downtown. Katsuki hears them talking and talking and talking like they have known each other for years instead of days. They are good people. They are really good people in comparison to him.

Kaminari says something stupid that made everyone laugh, even he laughed a little too.

Everything was going fine and then he looked up and...

And Katsuki stopped walking when he sees Midoriya Inko looking at him with big surprised eyes.

"Bakugou?" Kirishima says when he noticed he wasn't moving.

Katsuki didn't say anything and continued looking in front of him.

Kirishima looked at the green haired woman in front of them. She was petite and had big dark circles around her red puffy eyes, like if she didn't have much sleep.

"Having fun?" she asks suddenly

The woman smile at them, but her smile didn't look warm. It was more as if she was forcing herself to smile.

Ashido looked at Kaminari, who looked at Sero, who looked at Kirishima and Kirishima looked at Bakugou confused.

Does Bakugou know this woman?

"Oh!" she exclaims "Are these your friends, Katsuki?" that ugly smile got bigger "Who would have said? The great Bakugou Katsuki, laughing without any worry in the world"

Katsuki remains in silent.

Kirishima started to look at how Bakugou was shaking and biting his lower lip. This woman was making him uncomfortable.

"Are you―?"

"Sorry, ma'am!" Kirishima says before she talks again "We are going to lost our train if we don't hurry up!"

"Yeah" Ashido continues "C'mon guys!"

She moved along with Sero and Kaminari. Kirishima took Bakugou by the arm and started to walk too.

"It should have been you," the woman said with a voice full of angry.

Kirishima noted how Bakugou flinched a little but they continue walking.

What was that?

"Who was that woman?" Ashido asks once they were far away from that point.

"Bakugou? Do you know her?"

But Katsuki stays in silence.

Kirishima can swear that he's shaking.

"Bro? Are you―?"

Puke.

Bakugou has just puked over Kirishima.

 _But this is what you wanted._

 _Why the long face?_

 _What did my Izuku ever did to you?!_

 _He always admired you._

 _He always considered you as a friend._

 _He always said you were going to be a great hero._

This was supposed to be a fun day.

He was supposed to have fun and relax a little after the shit day off yesterday. But no. Life can't give him a moment alone. Not that he deserves it, anyway.

"You good, bro?" Kaminari asks him while he handed him a bottle of water

Kirishima is with Sero at the public bathroom, trying to wash out the puke. Ashido is at some pharmacy asking buying some medicine for him. He and Kaminari are sitting at some bench at some near park.

Katsuki took the bottle of water and muttered a 'thanks'.

"Man, do have some kind of stomach problem?"

"What?" Katsuki asks confused after he drank the bottle of water.

"Is just that... you puke a lot."

"I―"

What can he say? The truth?

No way.

He can't do that.

"Yes," he says with a tiny voice.

What a shame.

"Man you stink!" they heard Sero exclaim with a joking voice.

"Shut up!" Kirishima says back and then looked at Bakugou "How are you feeling?"

"I'm―"

"Guys!" Ashido runs to them and handed a paper bag to Bakugou "Here, these pills are heaven! Oh! And I also bought you a bun, it would do some good for your stomach"

Katsuki hesitates a little before he took the bag.

"Thank you," he says again.

They stayed with him, talking nonsense and asking him every now and then how he's feeling. Katsuki's answer is the same:

"Better"

Seeing that hurtful expression on Inko's face made him remember of Izuku's hurt face every time he bothered him. Each time he said hurtful words to him. At each punch, each kick and each spit to him.

 _I don't want to die._

Katsuki squeezed the bag under his hand.

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

And more shit.

"We should get going," Kirishima said while he got up "It's getting late"

"Man, that was fast," Sero says while he looks at his phone "Didn't realize it's almost five"

"How much time have we been sitting here?" Katsuki asks surprised

"A long time" Ashido answers while she also got up and stretched

"Sorry"

"What?"

Everyone stopped and looked at him surprised

"Aw, man. It's nothing" Kaminari says smiling

"Yeah, we got your back" Sero agrees.

Everyone said their goodbyes and walked to their homes.

When Katsuki arrived, his mother was already there. She was in the kitchen and didn't bother to look at him.

Katsuki went to his room in silence.

* * *

The next day, Aizawa walked into the classroom covered from head to toes with bandages.

"Morning" Aizawa says

"Glad to see you doing well, teacher!" Iida says while he raised his hand

"If you can call that 'doing well' "Uraraka whispers back.

"My welfare isn't important, because your fight is far from over"

"Our fight?" Katsuki repeats confused

"More villains?!" Mineta exclaimed terrified

"U.A's sports festival is fast approaching," Aizawa said.

"That's so totally ordinary!" the rest of the class exclaimed

"C'mon! We just had that villain attack. You sure about this?" Ojiro says worriedly

"It's necessary. To demonstrate that U.A.'s crisis management protocols are sound. That's the thinking apparently" Aizawa explained "Compared to past years, there'll be five times the police presence. Anyhow, our sports festival is... the greatest opportunity you'll get. It's not an event that can be canceled over a few villains"

Aizawa continued talking about that festival and Katsuki, as always, started to think something else.

 _"Kaachan! Hurry up! The U.A. sports festival is about to get started!"_

Ah, right.

They used to watch it when they were kids.

Ah, fuck it.


	9. Chapter 9

English is not my first language. My apologies for any mistakes.

* * *

 **...But this is what you wanted.**

* * *

When he was a kid, Katsuki loved to sit down at the living room and watch the U.A.'s Sports Festival, like any other kid of his age. He would normally sit at the floor, with some snacks, sweets, and juice. You'll only seem him stood up to run to the bathroom while there were commercials, otherwise, he would not get up until the Festival was concluded.

It was amazing. Katsuki found amazing watching all those quirks, all the students fighting each other in the name of becoming the number one. Even by his young age, Katsuki thought it should be pretty cool to have all the attention and being at the spotlight.

One day, he would be at the spotlight. One day, he would be admired by others. One day, he would be the number one hero Japan even had, even better than All Might.

And that day would never arrive.

 _"They are so amazing"_ [...] said while they were watching the Sports Festival of that year.

Their mutual admiration of heroes was the only thing they had in common, and that was enough for both of them to be friends with each other when they were four years, as Katsuki was not much of a jerk. None of them had a quirk yet, and that was okay because both can imagine what kind of quirk they would have until the moment arrives.

" _Heroes always win!"_ Katsuki said while smiling _"And we are going to become the most amazing heroes. But of course, I'll be number one!"_

 _"Ah!"_ [...] protested _"Not fair, Kacchan! I want to be number one too!"_

 _"Shhh! The Sports Festival is about to start again"_

The sweet dream of becoming a hero that every child has. The dream of saving people. The dream of being famous and fight for justice.

The sweet dream that turned into a nightmare for Katsuki.

A week after that Sports Festival, Katsuki's quirk manifested. Katsuki started to change his way of thinking. He started to think he was indeed better than anyone. This is when he started to treat [...] as garbage.

And then, sometime later...

It happened.

 _Did you hear? [...] doesn't have a quirk!_

 _Eh?_

 _Right! He's quirkless_

 _Sucks to be him._

The day were everyone knew [...] was quirkless.

The day were Katsuki smiled to himself and thought:

 _That's right._

 _I am better than him._

Katsuki growls at the memory he just had.

Crap.

How much longer is he going to be thinking about the past? For how long are these memories going to haunt him? For how long is it going to be this way?

How long?

How long until this is all over?

He looks at his classmates and how everyone was excited about the Sports Festival to start. They are at the 1-A prep room, getting ready and thinking of being the number one.

"Is everyone good and ready? The event's about to begin!" Iida exclaimed while moving his hands

"Wish I could wear my costume," Ashido said aloud

"They're not allowed, in the interest of fairness" Ojiro answers her and Sato nodded.

Even when everyone looked excited, they were also nervous. This year, they know they had some of the spotlights due to the USJ incident, so they need to try harder than the other classes.

Katsuki looked at his hands. He needs to try even harder if he doesn't want to be remembered as the one student who pukes each time he's outside. He needs to focus on not puking again. But his mind is spinning and doesn't seem to stop anytime soon. He's thinking about Inko's eyes full of hatred and how much broken she looked the other day. He's thinking about his mother, who he hasn't look in almost a month. He's thinking about his father, in how hard he tries to keep the peace between them but he clearly looks uncomfortable.

"Bakugou"

Katsuki looks up and saw the indifferent expression of Todoroki.

"What?" he asks confused.

They haven't cross any word after the USJ incident, so he's not sure what he wants.

"Objectively speaking, I'm stronger than you. Since I am more capable and you always look like you are backing off"

Everyone went silent.

"The fuck you said?" Katsuki said while he stood firmly.

He may not want to be here. He may be wishing to be anywhere but here, but he's not going to let this bastard to talk shit about him.

"I will beat you" Todoroki declared

"At being the worst, that's for sure"

Todoroki moved his head a little and then blinked.

"Oh! A declaration of war from the strongest in the class?!" Kaminari said smiling.

"Hey, man, why pick a fight now? We're about to go on..."

"Ah," the bi-colored boy said, not listening to Kirishima's words "I knew I recognize you somewhere else"

Katsuki raised an eyebrow confused. He's sure he hasn't seen Todoroki anywhere but here before.

"How come?"

"A year ago, you found one of your former classmates after he jumped from your middle school rooftop. Right?"

If anyone would come to the room, they would be able to feel the tension at the air. Some students gasped surprised by Todoroki words.

"I think I remember that," Sato said after a minute "It was all over the news"

Asui, Jiro, Tokoyami, Shoji, and Aoyama looked at each other with a nervous expression. When the news of All Might teaching at U.A. was first heard and all the reporters were around the school, they saw how Bakugou was intercepted by one and how she also recognize him, and when she was about to ask him, Bakugou shut her.

None of them wanted to bring such a delicate topic, mostly because they don't know how to ask him.

Meanwhile, Katsuki was looking at the ground and felt the bliss coming from his throat. He's trying his best in controlling his breathing and not to puke.

He can't― he can't do this.

Not here.

Not now.

Not when the festival is about to start.

 _But this is what you wanted_.

Please.

Oh God, please.

Just―

"Dude, shut up"

Katsuki opened his eyes (he doesn't even know when he closed them) and saw Kirishima's angry expression.

Todoroki blinked confused and also surprised by how Kirishima talked to him.

"It's not fair to say such a thing just minutes before the Festival is about to start. Is this how you plan on winning? That's not mainly"

"No" Todoroki answers "I didn't think that―"

"Yes, man, you didn't think" Kirishima interrupt him "And while I am concerned, this is not our business"

Todoroki backed off and turned around and left the room.

"Anyone else wants to say something?"

When no one answered, Shinso stood up and sighed.

"Better get going"

One by one started to leave the room. And only Bakugou and Kirishima were left.

"Dude..."

"Thank you," Katsuki said and smiled a little but full of relief.

Kirishima smiled back and nodded.

"Let's go"

They walked to the tunnel and at each step, the screams of the crowd were getting stronger.

"The first years of the hero course! It's class 1-A!" Present Mic announced

"What a crowd!" Uraraka said nervously

"And we're expected to put on the best performance we can in front of many spectators" Iida say while looking around "I suppose this is merely one more necessary skill if we hope to become heroes"

"They're really giving us too much credit... but we won't let it shake us, right, Bakugou?"

"Nope" Bakugou simply says

Would his mother watch the festival? Would his father? Inko?

Katsuki shakes his head.

No.

He needs to focus.

When the rest of the classes were already formed, Midnight stood up in front of them

"Now, for the athlete's oath! Your student representative is from class 1-A, Bakugou Katsuki!" Midnight announced.

"What?!" Kaminari exclaims surprised

"Must be because he placed first in the entrance exam?" Sero says while he and the others looked him walking to the podium.

"Will he be alright?" Yaoyorozu asked concerned

"He will be," Kirishima says with confidence

At each step he takes, Katsuki can feel the stares of the other classes. Stares of envy, of angry, of hate. The kind of stares he used to give to the rest of the world.

To Izuku.

Right.

He needs to focus.

 _I don't want to die_

He needs to make the declaration of war.

He needs to push himself. Telling himself he can't lose.

"The athlete's oath..." Katsuki spoke highly.

 _I don't want to die._

 _I want to be a hero like All Might_

 _Quirks are so cool, doncha think, Kacchan?_

"...Be the heroes you dream to become"

Class 1-A clapped and smiled. The other classes looked between them and also clapped at his words.

"Well... one would expect from class 1-A to be cocky," one girl of class 1-C said aloud

Katsuki got down of the podium and his classmates cheer for him.

If he only would have understood those words a year ago, it would have been better.

"Now, without any delay, let's get the first event started!" Midnight said "These are the qualifiers! It's in this stage that so many are sent home crying every year...!"

While Midnight was explaining, Katsuki felt his ears buzzing.

 _It's just... been my dream since I was little, you know?_

 _I don't want to die._

 _And, well..._

 ** _There's no harm in trying..._**

"START!"

Katsuki and the rest of the students ran.

"The first event is the obstacle course race!" Present Mic explained "It's a lap around this stadium, made just for today! According to the rules, anything's fair game as long as our contestants stay in bounds. It's a harsh game of chicken!"

Todoroki was already in the first position and Katsuki was close behind him. The robots were easy going for Katsuki and smile crossed in his face when he jumped high and avoid the robot in front of him.

The first barrier ended and now they were facing the second one: the fall.

Asui didn't seem to have any problem crossing the ropes. Todoroki continued to lead the path and Katsuki too was able to crossover without any problem thanks to his explosions and then...

He surpassed Todoroki.

Katsuki looked at him and Todoroki did the same thing

"Fuck you," Katsuki said to him very angry

He won't forget his words so easily. Todoroki can say whatever the crap he wants, but he has no right to say shit to him.

And they ran.

Fighting each other while they ran. Todoroki taking him by the arm and him blasting him back.

 _I want to be a hero_

 _I want to..._

 _I ..._

He can't hear him.

Not anymore.

"The winner is...!"

Thank God.


End file.
